I wish I could say otherwise as a Christian, but if you’ve been faithful to Jesus for a while, you’ve probably discovered that following Jesus isn’t exactly a walk in the park. In fact, Jesus actually tells his followers that they will have trouble in this world (John 16:33), and the apostle Paul actually flatly states that if you want to follow Jesus, you will be persecuted (2 Timothy 3:12). These words are not exactly ringing endorsements to become a Christian!
And yet, many Christians still have a hard time dealing with disappointments. Yes, we know that the Scriptures are full of stories of people in deep pain and anguish, but somehow, we still believe that God is only with us when our pockets are overflowing, our stomachs are full, and all seems right and good in the world.
But ignoring disappointments actually misses a significant part of what Christians believe and inevitably go through. In fact, we often minimize a significant teaching in the Scripture when we don’t expect disappointment.
The truth is that everyone — Christian or not — experiences both beauty and disappointment in life. You know, good days and bad days, sunshine and rain, bliss and bumps befall us all.
If anything, though, Christians should be the most equipped people to face disappointment.
Why? Because Christian belief explains why disappointment exists while also giving us the resources to cope with it: grief.
Two Kinds of Pain — and How We Are to Grieve Them
A mentor of mine often talks about two kinds of pain: dirty pain and clean pain.
‘Dirty’ Pain
Dirty pain is the ache you feel after you haven’t really made the best choices in your life and are now dealing with the consequences. You know, eating milkshakes and burritos at 11:00 pm and hoping to have a good night’s rest as a middle-aged man — that kind of pain (I might be speaking from experience). Dirty pain can be immediate, or it can be a slow burn — either way, we all experience it because the Scriptures teach a couple of truths related to it: 1) we are all sinners (Romans 3:23), and 2) we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7).
Dirty pain affects the entire world, including nature (e.g., pollution that harms the environment), culture (e.g., using technology for cruel ends like cyberbullying), and human relationships (e.g., when I say intentionally hurtful words to my wife when I’m upset). Much of our disappointment in life comes from dirty pain.
How to Grieve Dirty Pain
The way we “grieve” our dirty pain in the Scriptures is through confession and repentance. Confession and repentance require an admission of my guilt in the matter, which is no small feat. I grieve how I’ve contributed to the dirty pain, recognizing that I’m a sinner in need of forgiveness (Romans 3:23, Psalm 51:1-2, Matthew 6:9-15, Acts 2:38-39). Repentance entails turning in an opposite direction — owning my mistake but now aiming for a new trajectory toward God and a godly lifestyle.
Of course, confession and repentance are only possible if I humble myself (1 Peter 5:6, Colossians 3:12), getting off my own ego trip and recognizing my fallibility and culpability. Instead of blaming others for disappointments in life, I need to first own my own mistakes, admit my wrong to another (James 5:16), ask for forgiveness where appropriate, and attempt to chart a new path. The good news of confession and repentance is that God says that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us (1 John 1:9) — a rather amazing offer considering how often we sin!
‘Clean’ Pain
And then there’s clean pain. Clean pain is the harm that comes to us when we have no reason why — we don’t deserve it, we don’t understand it, and it’s a mystery why we’re going through this hardship that we didn’t see coming. Clean pain is awfully disappointing because there seems to be no logic or explanation to it.
We simply turn to the fallenness of our world, the way our “flesh” (1 John 2:16), the “world” (Romans 12:2), and Satan (John 8:44) are realities that contribute to the brokenness of life. And we wonder why God would allow it all.
The book of Job is a story of visceral grief in the midst of hardship that God permits. In the end, there are no real answers, just the reality that God is God, we are not, and grief via clean pain has a way of humbling us and forming us like nothing else.
How to Grieve Clean Pain
If anything, that’s what clean pain does — it humbles us and invites us to vulnerable lament. Laments are replete throughout the Psalms (some scholars estimate 2/3s of the Psalms) — honest and bare sharing of people bringing their complaints to God.
Disappointment from clean pain is to elicit grief, a grieving that forms us into more humble, dependent, and resilient followers of God (James 1:2). Somehow, God uses our weakness and pain to mold us and shape us into the kinds of vessels that can continue to depend on Him (2 Corinthians 12:9) while being a people who can receive and give comfort to those who are suffering (2 Corinthians 1:3-7).
Indeed, grief does not solve our disappointment — but it helps absorb it to mold us into Christ-like people who share in Christ’s suffering.
And Yet, There’s Still Hope
And yet, there’s still hope. Yes, grieving is the Biblical antidote to disappointment — but thankfully, the Christian story does not end in a never-ending cosmic war between beauty and disappointment where we’re wondering who will be left standing after an exhausting contest between good and evil.
The Christian story ends with hope victorious — a living hope found in a resurrected Jesus (1 Peter 1:3)! We cling to this hope with all that we have.
Yes, we celebrate what is beautiful in life. And yes, we grieve what is disappointing. But we embrace both beauty and disappointment with an overarching hope in Jesus.
Jesus, the one who is the author of all that is good and beautiful (Colossians 1), and the one who takes our sin and shame on the cross (2 Peter 2:24). Jesus, the one who will one day “wipe every tear from their eyes” (Revelation 21:4), promising that justice and love will win in eternity.
Jesus allows us to embrace disappointment without ever losing hope. Because even in death, which is the ultimate disappointment, we have a Savior who offers us a hope that the world cannot give, nor take away.
And so in the meantime, in this beautiful and disappointing life, we live with gratitude and grief, embracing it with hope and grace found in Jesus.
In his book Beautiful, Disappointing, Hopeful, Drew Hyun explains how the Christian faith provides a lens through which we can understand the beautiful and disappointing world we live in, while offering the kind of promising hope we long for.
Drew Hyun is the Founder and Lead Pastor of Hope Church NYC, a diverse church with three locations in New York City. Drew is also the Executive Director of Emotionally Healthy Discipleship, an organization that aims to transform church culture through the multiplication of deeply changed pastors and leaders. He regularly speaks at churches,conferences,and college campuses throughout the United States and abroad. He is a graduate of UC Berkeley, Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary (M.Div), and Fuller Theological Seminary (DMin).
